The Things that Haven't Happened Yet

As a public service, here is our newly updated list of the remaining things that haven't happened yet:

African-American elected president of United States
Water found on the moon
Peace in Middle East
Joe DiMaggio's consecutive-game hit record broken
World oil supply runs out
Bin Laden captured
Saddam is hanged
Starbucks announces cutbacks
Asteroid hits populated city
Major U.S. city ruined by flood
World Trade Center demolished by terrorists
Pete Rose enters baseball Hall of Fame
A famous ex-football player who kills people
Quantum mechanics reconciled with relativity
Britney Spears photographed without underpants
Time travel becomes possible
Global computer network for sharing pornography
Adam Sandler wins Best Actor
Polar ice caps begin melting
Huge tidal wave smashes 11 countries
Australia completely submerged
Secret identity of "Deep Throat" revealed
A prescription drug to induce erections
National ID cards implemented
Sisters genetically bred to play tennis
A "man" becomes pregnant
Electric cars that actually go
Bestselling memoir that inspires millions is mostly made up
Real mummy comes to life, attacks people
A popular Al Gore movie
Ability to turn invisible
Proof of extraterrestrial life
Respected actor wins top government job in California
Phillies win World Series
A national rating system for public drinking water
Cure for cancer
Robots take over
Chinese Democracy album is released

cross posted at Huffington Post

Woody Allen's Sleeper (Cell)

Woody Allen's Sleeper (Cell)
by Don Steinberg

FADE IN
Abrupt medium close up of Harvey, speaking directly into the camera.

HARVEY
There's an old joke. Two terrorists decide to kill an important government official. At 10 o'clock the next morning, they meet across the street from a building where the president is scheduled to have a meeting, and one of them brings a rocket propelled grenade launcher. Ten o'clock comes and goes, but no president. Then eleven o'clock. Eventually it's noon and the president still hasn't arrived. One terrorist turns to the other and says, "Gee, I hope he's okay."

I guess that's how I feel about life. You wait and wait for the glorious victory, and by the time it arrives, tsch, you just want to go home and watch the Knicks. Gladys and me, we thought we had it all figured out --

CUT TO: Harvey and Gladys are standing in their kitchen.

HARVEY
I'm really looking forward to my martyrdom, in particular the part about having relations with 72 virgins. Can you imagine what that would be like?

GLADYS (looking away)
Uh, no. Why do you think I would know about that?

HARVEY
It's the death part that has me a tad nervous. I'd be interested in a suicide attack where you could fake the suicide, collect the insurance money, and just buy a lot of really good, you know, Reuben sandwiches. Did Dr. Kevorkian call back yet?

GLADYS
I don't think you know how do to this.

HARVEY
I know better than Ned. For his suicide attack, he gave himself smallpox. He was so miserable with it, he didn't feel like going out. Look, I have to go now to the hideout. We're having a very important meeting with all the guys in the sleeper cell, and I'm the only one who knows the address of the secret Web site that contains our instructions. Me and Google.

CUT TO: Four men around a small table. Above it, by a thin wire, hangs a bare lightbulb.

OZZIE
I heard in Europe they are using palladium. It's very a sophisticated material.

HARVEY
Palladium? It's polonium. Jeesh. That stuff is…that's dangerous. I heard they slipped a tiny bit of it onto the desk of a lawyer in, in Berlin, and it mutated him. He ended up with the head of an attorney and the body of a memo.

PHILLIP (toying with a surface-to-air missile launcher)
Where does the missile shoot out of this thing?

HARVEY
Put that thing down. For God sake, do you know how to operate something like this? You have the missile pointing backwards.

PHILLIP
It looks cooler this way.

HARVEY
I'm surrounded by cretins. Terror would be just having you talk to people. Somebody please hit me on the head with a shoe.

LEONARD
You don't want me to do that. It's explosive.

HARVEY VOICE-OVER
After that we all had to go. We set up another secret meeting, and I think in the end we just enjoyed one another's company more than executing our big plans. It…it reminded me of that joke, you know, this guy goes to a psychiatrist, and he says, 'doctor, my brother thinks he's a sheep.' And the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" And the guys says, "We would. But we need the anthrax."