A Mad Night at CNN

cross posted at 23/6.com

The Monolog-o-tron

Sure, TV comedy writers should be paid what they deserve, for all the ways their work is used on the Internet and in other new media. In a perfect world, robotic online replacements like this for cranking out late-night TV talk show monologues might not be necessary. But as long as the writers are on strike, the Monolog-o-tron will have to suffice. Just use the handy pull-down menus to build your own late-night monologue:

1) Dennis Kucinich is at it again. Yesterday he claimed he saw a UFO Bill Clinton A-Rod an illegal alien Larry King hovering over Mitt Romney. Hillary. Britney Spears' children. Larry Craig's restroom stall. Anderson Cooper.

2) It was a grim day of violence and civilian casualties in Iraq. Afghanistan. Myanmar. the Middle East. Or as they call it in Baghdad Kabul California, Wednesday. Election Day. opening day in the NBA. the start of the holiday shopping season. hunting with Dick Cheney.

3) Scientists say they have discovered a way to eradicate obesity. wildfires. erectile dysfunction. healthcare. patients. Unfortunately, the solution might never catch on because it would require Americans to give up their children's Halloween candy. O.J. Simpson memorabilia. babies stolen from Chad.

4) With imported oil nearing $100 a barrel, California Governor Schwarzenegger has suggested that the state's residents switch to heating their homes with a resource more plentiful in California, electric cars.designer steroids. celebrity mugshots.the oil that bodybuilders rub on for pose-downs.fire.

5) Apparently several key passages have been censored from the new book by Valerie Plame. the latest bin Laden video. highlights of Katie Holmes' marathon run. According to insiders who saw the complete version, Dumbledore is gay. Dumbledore is gay. Dumbledore is gay.

cross-posted at 236.com

Are You Another Vietnam?

Take Our Best-Ever Summer Quiz and Find Out!
- - - -
BY DON STEINBERG

1. Some so-called friends have started calling you "a war we can neither win, lose, nor drop":

a) Not that I've heard.
b) People supposedly said that, but not to my face.
c) Constantly—it's so true!

2. Your increasing, unanticipated guerrilla resistance is freaking people out:

a) That is basically bogus.
b) Let's just say it keeps people on their toes.
c) Guilty! It's my worst trait.

3. A local man is walking down the road wearing classic khakis and a white cotton shirt. He:

a) Is a grateful citizen who wants to help jump-start his country's new government.
b) Launches an armed attack. What was that about?
c) Could be a great guy—or a bad guy. That's what's so confusing!

4. You are so intense that people are "losing it" and doing terrible things they'd never do at home:

a) It's only "a few bad apples."
b) There's some socially unacceptable behavior, but it's not what it looks like.
c) It's completely gross!

5. People say you are taking longer than expected:

a) Hardly!
b) With me, people must learn to expect the unexpected.
c) I'll stick around for the long haul. That's what commitment is all about.

6. There are doubts and second thoughts about the reason for the engagement:

a) Just the normal "cold feet."
b) Sure, but nothing serious enough to alter the plans.
c) This should be so over already.

7. A group of Americans gathered at the mall is discontented because:

a) The new Abercrombie catalog is lame.
b) Several are wearing the exact same vintage blouse.
c) They don't want to die.

8. American soldiers are marrying your native women, just like in Vietnam:

a) Never. That's a strict no-go zone.
b) There's definitely been some flirting.
c) Hello! It's like The Bachelor!

Scoring

For each question you answered (a), give yourself 1 point. For each (b), 2 points. For each (c), 3 points.

The Verdict

0-10 points: Phew! You aren't even another Canada!
11-16 points: You may be like Vietnam, but mostly just the food.
17-24 points: Hey, is thatVietnam staring back at you in the mirror?

also posted at McSweeney's