Further Cutbacks

TO: All employees
FROM: Company management

This has been a tough, emotional day for all of us here at the company -- especially for the nine percent of you who, as of this morning, are officially "on the History Channel," as the kids say. We'd really hoped to avoid layoffs, but the bailout check still hasn't cleared for some reason, and we just can't spend money we don't have, according to some new regulation. Along with the staff downsizing, we regrettably announce the following further cutbacks:

* In order to contain shipping costs, all overnight deliveries now will go out once a week, on Thursdays.

* We are suspending our Workplace Sensitivity Training program. It will replaced by a simple chart that highlights where not to touch other employees.

* For corporate accounting purposes, a "billion" will now be eight hundred fifty million.

* To lighten the mood in the office, we will continue to hold our annual holiday party for disgruntled employees, but this year it will be "bring your own weapon."

* Effective January 1, company-paid health insurance will cover only one child per family, so for many of you, it's decision time.

* In an effort to reduce payroll costs, we have begun merging several job functions. When you have a chance, stop by and say hello to Herb Miller, our new "janiccountant."

* Due to rising raw materials costs, we are scaling back the size of our industrial hydraulic lifts and will market the smaller models as "Bite Size!"

* Vacation days still may be applied to time served in prison but only if the sentence is company-related.

* In the cafeteria, Special K and Total breakfast cereals will no longer be available. They will be replaced by Regular K and Partial.

* Friday foot massages will be self-service.

* The foosball table in the employee lounge will be removed, chopped up, and used for firewood.

* Do you like your desk or your chair? Is there a co-worker you've secretly had a crush on? Make us an offer!

* The free Starbucks service in the kitchenette will be removed on February 5. After this date, if you need a little pick-me-up to stay alert during the workday, Sheila in human resources has volunteered to staple your hand. The service will remain free.

* Remember: we are all salespeople! Please alert management if you are able to sell the company.

The Monolog-o-tron

Sure, TV comedy writers should be paid what they deserve, for all the ways their work is used on the Internet and in other new media. In a perfect world, robotic online replacements like this for cranking out late-night TV talk show monologues might not be necessary. But as long as the writers are on strike, the Monolog-o-tron will have to suffice. Just use the handy pull-down menus to build your own late-night monologue:

1) Dennis Kucinich is at it again. Yesterday he claimed he saw a UFO Bill Clinton A-Rod an illegal alien Larry King hovering over Mitt Romney. Hillary. Britney Spears' children. Larry Craig's restroom stall. Anderson Cooper.

2) It was a grim day of violence and civilian casualties in Iraq. Afghanistan. Myanmar. the Middle East. Or as they call it in Baghdad Kabul California, Wednesday. Election Day. opening day in the NBA. the start of the holiday shopping season. hunting with Dick Cheney.

3) Scientists say they have discovered a way to eradicate obesity. wildfires. erectile dysfunction. healthcare. patients. Unfortunately, the solution might never catch on because it would require Americans to give up their children's Halloween candy. O.J. Simpson memorabilia. babies stolen from Chad.

4) With imported oil nearing $100 a barrel, California Governor Schwarzenegger has suggested that the state's residents switch to heating their homes with a resource more plentiful in California, electric cars.designer steroids. celebrity mugshots.the oil that bodybuilders rub on for pose-downs.fire.

5) Apparently several key passages have been censored from the new book by Valerie Plame. the latest bin Laden video. highlights of Katie Holmes' marathon run. According to insiders who saw the complete version, Dumbledore is gay. Dumbledore is gay. Dumbledore is gay.

cross-posted at 236.com