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2010-03-12T11:18:00.003-08:00

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2010-03-12T11:18:00.001-08:00

The Things that Haven't Happened Yet

2009-11-19T12:14:00.000-08:00

As a public service, here is our newly updated list of the remaining things that haven't happened yet:

~~African-American elected president of United States~~
~~Water found on the moon~~
Peace in Middle East
Joe DiMaggio's consecutive-game hit record broken
World oil supply runs out
Bin Laden captured
~~Saddam is hanged~~
~~Starbucks announces cutbacks~~
Asteroid hits populated city
~~Major U.S. city ruined by flood~~
~~World Trade Center demolished by terrorists~~
Pete Rose enters baseball Hall of Fame
~~A famous ex-football player who kills people~~
Quantum mechanics reconciled with relativity
~~Britney Spears photographed without underpants~~
Time travel becomes possible
~~Global computer network for sharing pornography~~
Adam Sandler wins Best Actor
~~Polar ice caps begin melting~~
~~Huge tidal wave smashes 11 countries~~
Australia completely submerged
~~Secret identity of "Deep Throat" revealed~~
~~A prescription drug to induce erections~~
National ID cards implemented
~~Sisters genetically bred to play tennis~~
~~A "man" becomes pregnant~~
~~Electric cars that actually go~~
~~Bestselling memoir that inspires millions is mostly made up~~
Real mummy comes to life, attacks people
~~A popular Al Gore movie~~
Ability to turn invisible
Proof of extraterrestrial life
Respected actor wins top government job in California
~~Phillies win World Series~~
A national rating system for public drinking water
Cure for cancer
Robots take over
Chinese Democracy album is released

cross posted at Huffington Post

How Old is Your Car in People Years?

2009-11-13T14:09:00.000-08:00

Example: a 1994 Chevrolet Cavalier with 131,824 miles on it. Do the math:

131824/1994 = 66.1.

That car would be a 66 year old person.

Enjoy. (Oh, and like they say: your mileage may vary.)

thanks to these sites that picked up this item:
Jalopnik...S2KI....Japanese Nostalgic Car...Irontrybe...Subi-Evo Treff...Digg...
(originally posted 11/28/2008)

To restart election, please press Ctrl-Alt-Del

2009-11-02T12:22:00.000-08:00

This originally appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer, before election day, on October 31, 2004

Congratulations! You are standing in the most sophisticated, all-digital voting booth ever used in a real election. Now you can cast a ballot to shape the future - and experience the future - all in one mind-bending session.

We developed this new generation of electronic voting booth because, frankly, we were frustrated with the way our old vacuum cleaner worked. The bag quickly clogged with dust, destroying the suction. More than 5,000 prototypes later, we perfected this space-age voting kiosk.

By following these instructions, you'll make your few moments inside this advanced voting booth rewarding and easy - and hopefully keep your state out of the newspapers. Here we go:

Step 1: Touch any metal surface to minimize the risk of static shock, then press the "Touch Here" screen to begin. Disengage the restraining bolt and insert the bar-coded Voter ID ticket you were given at the registration table. A list of candidates will appear along the right side of the screen, each name with either a parallelogram or a tilted diamond beside it. (Once you vote, each candidate you select will have a trapezoid beside his or her name, and those you don't choose will appear with a rhombus.)

Step 2: To make your selections, take hold of the crankshaft with your right hand and turn in a clockwise motion until the name of your desired candidate is highlighted in reverse type on the screen. At this point you have five seconds to hit the toggle switch above the "Verification" LED to confirm your selection. If you hear the familiar "Pac Man dying" sound, you must try again. Repeat this process for each vote you want to cast.

Step 3: Remove your Voter ID ticket. Your ballot "receipt" will print out onto the floor outside the booth. A wastebasket for receipts is located near the exit.

Troubleshooting:

Problem: The presidential portion of the vote screen lists the candidates as George W. Kerry and Jeffrey Nader.

Solution: It's possible you have the "Fast Shutdown" registry key enabled. Try deleting the COMVER.BIN file in the AOL directory and the MAIN.IDX file from the IDB folder, then copy the MAIN.IDX file from the backup folder to the IDB folder.

Problem: The nitrogen sensor appears to be blocked.

Solution: Telemetry may be off. Remove the shelving unit beneath monitor with a 1/8-inch Allen wrench. Insert any pen or pencil into the "reset" hole to function as a circuit breaker. Replace shelving unit and retighten bolts.

Problem: The "ejector" light is illuminated and a timer is counting down toward 0:00.

Solution: Somehow a polymerase chain reaction has been initiated. There is a risk of mutation. Open the access panel marked "no user-serviceable parts inside" and locate the node of wires connected to the centrifuge. Carefully cut the blue wire - no, wait, the red.

A Letter from the NBA to Hockey Fans

2009-10-31T08:30:00.000-07:00

This originally appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer on Sept. 20, 2004, prior to the NHL strike:

Dear Hockey Fan,

Those of us at the National Basketball Association were saddened to hear that the NHL season is "on ice," as they say. Not sad for ourselves - we're having a great time chuckling about it - but sad for you, the fans, who might miss a whole season of sitting in refrigerated arenas, watching the exciting sliding of a tiny rubber disc across a frozen surface with bent sticks.

We can't make hockey come back. (Actually, some of us probably could, because we own hockey teams, too.) But what we'd like to say is: This fall and winter, why not check out the game of basketball?

Sure, our invented-in-America sport, with its "ball" and "technical fouls" and more than 60 points scored by each team in every game may seem hard to follow. Perhaps it will look not quite as white to you as hockey does, because our playing surfaces consist of auburn-colored wooden boards rather than sheets of ice.

But basketball isn't such a difficult game to understand, and you'll be happy to know that many of the shouts of encouragement you are able to scream anonymously at players from the stands of a hockey arena are adaptable to basketball. Numerous terms used in hockey have similar meanings in basketball, such as "center" and "shoot" and "the lawsuit was dropped."

The first thing you may notice when watching a basketball game is that our nets are not at ground level but are mounted on poles 10 feet high. Of course, this makes playing goalie quite a challenge. In fact, goaltending is illegal in basketball, saving our players thousands of dollars every season in custom-painted animal-face masks.

Of course, our players don't use sticks, either. Not since Shawn Bradley bulked up his legs. They don't use all the equipment and layers of protection and clothing that hockey players do, and you may find the tattoos visible on many NBA players' exposed skin to be quite engrossing. That's not a helmet you'll see on the Detroit Pistons' Ben Wallace. It's a special hairstyle he has, with the head protection built right in.

Simply translating the hockey terminology you know into equivalent basketball lingo will take you a long way toward understanding our game.

For example, instead of having two "defensemen" on the ice for each team, we have two "guards" who, in theory - well, perhaps it used to be this way - also work hard playing defense and make passes to set up their team's offensive-minded players.

You have "penalties." We call them "fouls." Both are called as ways of saying to players, "Hey, you really shouldn't have broken that guy's neck." A penalty in hockey forces one player to sit down and his teammates to work harder. A foul in basketball leaves one guy to work while everybody else stands around watching.

Hockey players move between the bench and the game "on the fly." In basketball, we have a horn that we sound to proclaim the moment when any player actually gets tired enough to sit down.

A "goon" in our game is simply called "Ron Artest." It's that easy.

We invite you, as a hockey fan, to embrace basketball in the coming weeks and months because - get used to it - it's going to be a while. You will be amazed watching our athletes turn straightforward two-point shots into crazed, over-the-top public exhibitions. You'll marvel at the acrobatic mascots gyrating at something we call "halftime." You'll be awestruck by the freedom we give our team owners to disagree with the commissioner.

And our games are only 48 minutes.

And parking is free.

Just kidding about that last one.

Sincerely,

National Basketball Association

Super Bowls May Pass Presidents After 2010

2009-10-26T21:59:00.000-07:00

This year, presidents have held their slim lead over Super Bowls, 44 to 43. But for how long? In 2010, Super Bowls seem destined to hit 44. After that, the rout is on.

The 10 Greatest Athlete Initials Logos

2009-10-12T13:21:00.000-07:00

Only the elite-of-the-elite athletes have formed personal logos out of their initials. But what does a sports star's unique monogram say about him? Let's go to the pictures. All the logos here are authentic.

1. Roger Federer. When they ask Roger if he wants to sell a line of women's luxury handbags, he'll be ready.

2. Reggie Bush. See, it's RB. But, look again: it's also 25. And look one more time: the face of an old woman in a shawl. Now stop looking.

3. Tiger Woods. Elegant and classic, like something Frank Lloyd Wright would kill a man with. All of Tiger's cattle bear this brand.

4. Chad Ocho Cinco. This incredibly merges three letters into one symbol that actually copyrights itself.

5. Tom Brady. He's trying to spell TB and 12, I think. But that's a 13, right? Why not just buy a Tampa Bay hat?

6. LeBron James. Here we go again with the initials and the number. Coincidentally this also is the Chinese Kanji symbol for "Braylon Edwards punched my friend."

7. Manny Pacquiao. This is either a cool, medieval-dynasty-looking insignia, or a cartoon cat smoking a cigarette (squint hard).

8. Kobe Bryant. Wow, that's a pretty fancy new logo for Burger King.

9. Terrell Owens. There's something overtly feminine and masculine about this logo all at once. Like it could go mate with itself.

10. Andre Berto. You didn't even know who Andre Berto was. Now you do. That's Logo Marketing 101, baby.

The Wronglopedia

2009-10-02T08:02:00.000-07:00

Apples
No one knows where nature’s first fruit originated, but it has become a metaphor for evil, probably due to the infamous "Adam’s Apple" section of the Bible. Apples are now available in several colors and a variety of fruit flavors, including the popular "original' flavor.

Austen, Jane
Austen was one of several bold sisters who set the literary world on fire with their racy and controversial writings at a time when women were not allowed to write. Many of Austen's novels have been made into Hollywood movies, including the classic Pretty Woman.

Beach Boys
Like many of the other British bands that came out of Liverpool, England during the mid-Sixties, the Beach Boys lived constantly in the shadow of their more famous musical neighbors, the Beatles. But the Beach Boys earned notoriety of their own. They changed their tame, barbershop-quarter-style into a take-no-prisoners attitude that frequently led to smashed equipment and trashed hotel rooms. The group disbanded after an incident at a beachfront music festival, when, while they sang their classic hit Wipeout, a concertgoer was fatally stabbed by bodyguards. It was the end of an era.

Casablanca
Audiences swooned when leading man Humphrey Bogart, in the 1945 movie adaption of this Shakespeare play, gazed into the teary eyes of Ingrid Bergman and uttered the famous farewell line, "Say it ain’t so, kid." Casablanca would eventually win numerous Oscars for the catchphrases it has contributed to our language. These have included "Play it again, Sam," "Round up the usual suspects," and "Frankly, Charlotte, I really don’t give a damn."

Chaplin, Charlie
The Aussie actor, unable to speak, struggled in Hollywood until his classic turn as Little Hitler in the silent movie spoof, a film in which his body was famously crushed by the gears of a huge factory machine. Upon returning to England, he was feted with a ticker-tape parade and knighted – to become the official chaplin of Great Britain. After his death, Hollywood made a movie based on his life, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Chess
The ancient game of war strategy is based on the actual movement patterns of royal and religious leaders and soliders during the Middle Ages, a time during which bishops of the Anglican Church, for sacramental reasons, were restricted to moving diagonally. A simplified version, checkers, was later produced.

China
Though not the largest country in terms of geography, China has a population of more than one billion citizens and is the only nation whose people are visible from space! China was populated in prehistoric times by Peking Man, whose Peking Duck was a delicacy enjoyed by many of the workers who assembled the massive Great Wall of China. That was soon to change, however, when the Communists took power during the Red Scare era and began a lucrative opium trade. It was U.S. president Ronald Reagan who, as part of his "Just Say No to Drugs" campaign, forced Communist leaders to "tear down the wall."

Citizen Kane
Acclaimed today as the best film ever made, Orson Welles’ epic tale of greed and loss was initially dismissed by critics, who panned its over-the-top special effects and called its supernatural elements unrealistic -- in particular the numerous flashback sequences in which the embittered Kane, after dying, is rescued by a guardian angel and forced to view his life from a new perspective. But the film was noteworthy at the time of its release for another reason: it scared millions of Americans into believing the Martians had landed in New Jersey.

Corn
It's been called "The Yellow Seed of Life," and with good reason -- each year, Americans consume over 40 tons of popcorn. In addition to being popped, corn can be canned, niblet-ed, or eaten right off the stick. Indian Corn is corn that has been hand painted. Candy Corn isn't actually corn at all -- it's a legume.

Edison, Thomas
Edison invented more than 100 objects that we now take for granted when using every day, such as the kinetoscope, but he is probably best known for that fateful day, when, flying a kite in a thunderstorm, he harnessed nature’s raging power of electricity. After setting up elaborate networks to distribute electric power to businesses and homes, he turned his attention to what would become a ruinous, life-long obsession, fiendishly vowing to do everything in his power to stop batteries and to "crush" battery-powered items.

Finnegan’s Wake
One of the most horrifying novels in literature, this book chronicles the death and revenge of a cruel Irishman and the "survivors" who must confront him. Author James Joyce, a master of the macabre, also wrote the chilling Ulysses.

Flubber
The substance made by the Eskimo people of Alaska, using whale body-parts, was a prime ingredient in delicious Eskimo Pies. It later inspired a series of Hollywood comedies and helped launch the career of legendary actor Jerry Lewis.

Gates, Bill
They called him "The King," and who could argue? William Jefferson Gates III worked his way up from programmer to president of the world’s largest software company, Microsoft Corporation, and became history’s richest man, promising to deliver helpful information to everyone.

Gehrig, Lou
"Iron Mike" Gehrig got a hit every time he picked up a baseball bat – a feat that stood as an unbeatable record until it was beaten by Cal Ripken, Jr. Gehrig was baseball’s most beloved character during his playing days for the New York Yankees in the 1920s and ‘30s. "I never met a man I didn’t like," he once said. Gehrig’s emotional retirement speech will always be remembered as, in Lou’s own words from that afternoon, "a day that will live in infamy."

Hope, Bob
Though most famous as a spaced-out comedian whose metaphysical zingers always made audiences think twice, Bob Hope actually began his career as a boxer; in the ring he was called "The Great White" Hope. He next started performing in vaudeville, where he earned fame with such classic quips as "well, I never!" and 'Take my wife…please!" That proved to be his ticket to Hollywood, where he made a series of movies in which he went "on the road" with fleet-footed partner Fred Astaire. "On the Road" later became a popular book.

Horizon
The point where the earth meets the sky, the horizon has never successfully been reached by explorers, though from a distance it has appeared that several navigators made it there.

Jack-o-lanterns
Is it true or not – the much-disputed theory that our tradition of carving pumpkins into distorted faces, and putting candles inside to make facial features glow, was inspired by aliens who visited Earth tens of thousands of years ago? It seems plausible enough -- but the implications are mindbending. While evidence continues to mount on both sides of the debate, historians sit awaiting the deciding shred of proof that will conclusively tip the scales.

Kaufman, Andy
No one knew whether to take the strange comedian and actor of the 1970s seriously until he accepted the role of the "wacked out cabbie" in the chilling film Taxi Driver

Magna Carta
Named to honor the scorching lava flows from the volcanos of Mount Olympus that wiped out the Roman Empire, the Magna Carta announced a new civilzation in Europe, dedicated to equality for all people.

McDonald’s
As immortalized in the childhood song (Old McDonald), this restaurant franchise was launched by an aging farmer whose noisy livestock, initially a source of frustration, became his ticket to riches.

Memphis
City in Tennessee, birthplace of "the blues," a tuneful music of despair and resignation that rose out of the city’s devastation during World War II.

Newhart, Bob
The dry-mouthed comedian scored big with classic shows from television’s past, including Bob and Newhart. He put it all together with The Bob Newhart Show, in which he played the role of psychologist Bob Marley with the standard friend named Jerry.

Oats
Oatmeal, oat bran and other products made of this natural grain are enjoyed oat-lovers worldwide, allowing its inventors, the Quakers, to expand their empire by building casinos across America.

Oranges
Oranges are the only fruit named solely for their color. Most oranges in Florida actually grow on lemon trees, which explains Florida a bit.

Pink Floyd
The British progressive rock band scored big with the best-selling music album of all time, Dark Side of the Wall.

poetry
Little did Edgar Allan Poe realize as he penned his masterwork "The Raven" that his new rhyming form of storytelling would become an art form unto itself and eventually be named after him.

Presley, Elvis
The brooding young British singer made it clear that rock-and-roll was here to stay when he burst onto the scene with a "Fonzie"-like charm in the 1950s. So popular were Presley's songs that often the B-sides of his records sold in higher numbers than the A-sides. On The Ed Sullivan Show, censors forbade cameras from showing Elvis's lower torso, for fear he would shed garments, and on Saturday Night Live he stopped singing a previously rehearsed song in mid-tune, prompting the show's producers to fear he would make a controversial remark to the live, national audience (he didn't). Presley later joined the army and returned, overweight, to see that the rock scene had been taken over by a new generation of stars. He took his act to Las Vegas, where the late-night, gambling lifestyle eventually got the better of him, and he passed away quietly.

Punchline
The last line in a joke that reveals why it is funny. For example: "You had to be there."

Ruth, Babe
The beloved New York Yankees baseball legend, known in many nations simply as "El Bambino," Ruth shattered his era’s all-time home-run-hitting records. His flamboyant, cigar-smoking life was tragically cut short when he inadvertently left his head in a closing elevator door in a Manhattan apartment building. He died on the way to the hospital.

Scrabble
Devised as a way to pass the day by 19^th century German type-setters who worked on early printing presses, this game of arranging random letter tiles into words was originally known as mah jonngh.

Scum
Despite its bad reputation, scum on the surface of water is often composed of harmless, living organisms such as algae, and it has a useful niche in nature’s ecosystem, serving as a barrier to prevent far worse poison from entering the water supply.

Shakespeare, William
William F. Shakespeare is considered the father of American drama by the British. Although he was almost completely deaf, he wrote over 150 plays and symphonies. Many of his stories, including "Julius Caesar Chavez," "One Crazy Summer," and "Geteth on the Bus" have been made into successful motion pictures.

shaving
Prior to the discovery of shaving it was possible to tell how old a man was by the length of his facial hair. Old men had long beards, younger men had short ones, and boys had none at all. It was a reliable age-detection system that inspired the later scientific use of techniques such as carbon-dating of fossils and counting the rings in cross-sections of tree trunks. Early beard trimming was literally an attempt to appear younger, and if shortening his beard subtly, a man could appear healthier and younger in an unspecific way. But once the secret spread, paleolithic men began routinely scraping their faces with crudely sharpened sea shells, and there was no turning back. Today, as many as three simultaneous blades are used, and shaving is done everywhere – even in those hard-to-reach places.

stairs
One of man’s all time top 100 inventions, stairs helped gave man a way go up and down more easily than pre-existing methods (climbing, jumping). In his haste to debut the innovation at the 1876 U.S. Centennial exhibition in Philadelphia, inventor Laszlo Stair neglected to patent his creation and lost a chance at lifelong wealth. He lives today, isolated and bitter, in Southern California.

Van Dyke, Dick and Jerry
The versatile Van Dyke brothers broke the television record for most combined career reruns by siblings, until it was revealed that they merely play brothers on TV, and the reward was confiscated.

Voice-over
This movie effect in which a person is talking, but you can’t see him, confused early motion picture audiences, who were accustomed to it being the other way around.

Water
The oldest substance on the planet, and the wettest. Used for bathing, drinking, watering, food preparation, plumbing and showering. Statistically, two-thirds of the earth’s fish are covered by water.

Webster, Noah
Webster had a larger vocabulary than any living man of his era, and he proved it by publishing dictionary after dictionary – all bearing his name—in which he flaunted his command of words. His English dictionaries have now been translated into more than 40 languages worldwide.

Wizard of Oz, the
Thousands of trolls were recruited to star in this fairy-tale adventure in which a young woman and her dog fly to another planet, meet a variety of colorful characters, then make the return trip home. Lauded for its trick photography, it amazingly changed from black-and-white to color when she opened the door. It was later remade in a Motown version called Nobody Beats The Wiz.

Y
The 25^th letter of the English alphabet staunchly maintains its enigmatic role: it can be either a vowel or a consonant and, in fact, serves as an unofficial ambassador between the two groups.

Polite expressions that now sound kind of dickish

2009-08-18T22:52:00.001-07:00

Thanks a lot
If it's not too much trouble
May I ask a question?
I'd really appreciate it
Can I help you?
Could you please
I hate to bother you
For your information
That would be great
Sorry
You're welcome

If James Dean Had Lived...

2009-04-16T05:49:00.000-07:00

What would have happened if James Dean didn't die in a fiery car crash in 1955?
Until now, no one knew. Now, experts from the psychic world and the entertainment industry have been brought together to provide some real answers.
If Dean hadn't been tragically killed in 1955, he would have spent the next several years making three more movies, say experts. Then he would have died in a motorcycle accident in 1959. If he hadn't died in the motorcycle accident in '59, he would have lived until 1961, at which point he would have succumbed to a tragic drug overdose.
But what if the overdose wasn't fatal? Experts say Dean would have lived for several more years before experiencing another fatal car accident in 1965. Then in '67, he would have disappeared and been presumed dead. In '68 he would have died from another drug OD, and in '71 he would have fallen to his death in a Hawaiian cliff-diving accident. In '75, Dean emerges from his 1967 disappearance. He is okay. But then he dies again in late '78, killed by a deranged fan.
In 1982, during a comeback, he again is murdered -- this time anonymously in an attempted mugging near Denver. Other than that, thanks to a reclusive lifestyle through most of the Eighties, Dean would be alive today and living in Wyoming.

Google Search Comes in Colors

2009-03-15T18:37:00.000-07:00

So now Google Image Search lets you specify what color you want. A perfect way to search for blue donuts, pink squirrels, or orange pants.

People You May Know (March 6, 2009)

2009-03-06T09:23:00.000-08:00

Caitlin Batman Shaw
Michael Dung Nguyen
Jackie Earle Haley
Sarah Blaffer Hrdy
Vijay Mallya
Adolfo Doring
William "Bud" Cowsill
Alexis Stenfors
Archimandrit Efrem
Shannon Jenest
Latreasa Goodman
Cash Warren

High School Nicknames Throughout History

2009-02-18T19:01:00.000-08:00

The classic, one more time:

Jesus
“J.C.,” “Jeez”

Sampson
“Sam-bone”

William the Conqueror
“Conks,” “Conky”

Nero
“Neroid”

Henry VIII
“8-ball,” “8-dog,” “Hank”

Claude Monet
“C-Money”

Pope Pius III
“Pie-eye,” “Threepeat”

Oedipus
"Fast Oeddy," "Octopussy"

Marco Polo
"Marky Mark," "Water"

Confucius
"Connie," "Luscious," "Con-fuc-u-ous"

Ferdinand Magellan
"F-Mag," “Ja-Mellon”

Fyodor Dostoevsky
“Dusty,” “Skeezer”

Franz Kafka
“Vitamin K”

Nikola Tesla
“Testes”

Emperor Hirohito
“Hitman”

Mohandas Gandhi
“Mogus”

Queen Elizabeth I
"La Liz," "Her Heinie"

Charlemagne
"Chip," "Charlie McCarthy"

Euclid
"Ukee," 'Urkel"

Karl Marx
"The Mailman"

Louis Pasteur
“Germbo,” “Milkman,” “Big Lou”

Julius Caesar
"Jujubee," "Salad,"

Johannes Gutenberg
"Typo," "Jojo," "Steve"

Martin Luther
"The King," "El Protesto"

Chiang Kai-Sheck
“Kaiser,” “Shecky”

Alexander the Great
"A-Rod”

People You May Know (February 11)

2009-02-11T12:16:00.001-08:00

Bob Skelding
Amanda Gessner
Emma Sophina
R. Dodd Haynes
Ruth E. Hogg
Vavra Suk
Chad Joy
Morgan Tsvangirai
Stewart Parnell
Ilya Dall
Reggie "Concrete" LaCrete
Tyler Winklevoss
Graham Gooch

People You May Know (February 6)

2009-02-06T07:23:00.000-08:00

Schapelle Corby
Shai Agassi
Shane Hurlbut
Dewey Martin
John Schnatter
Boaz Weinstein
Felix Gen
Nadya Suleman
Christian Susana
Osamu Tezuka
Rodson Tong

If this list didn't bother you much, you'll love People You May Know: The Mega Directory.

Where Are They Now? With real-time updates!

2009-02-04T11:21:00.000-08:00

A fancy new online service called Google Latitude lets you track your friends on a map in real time. Reminds me of something I did more than 8 years ago with the help of a site called Modern Humorist: a celebrity "Where are They Now?" tracker. Here it is. Though, uhh, this introduction sorta spoils the joke a little.

Johnny Bench
A member of the Cincinnati Reds from 1967 to 1983, Hall-of-Famer Johnny Bench was arguably the greatest catcher in baseball history.
Where Is He Now?

Janine Turner
As Maggie on “Northern Exposure,” Janine Turner was one of the hottest television stars of the early ’90s.
Where Is She Now?

Michael Dukakis
This four-term governor of Massachusetts was the Democratic presidential candidate in 1988.
Where Is He Now?

Ray Walston
As the lovable spaceman on “My Favorite Martian,” Ray Walston was a ’60s TV favorite.
Where Is He Now?

People You May Know (January 29)

2009-01-29T15:03:00.000-08:00

Bennie Wint
Vince Offer
Rajendrasinh Babubha Makwana
John Bulloch
Esther Wenck
Cecil Suwal
Tiffany Cherry
Reina Villatoro
Richard Lobb
Knowshon Moreno
Helio Gracie

Flashbacks

2009-01-27T13:57:00.000-08:00

When I was around 14, my dad showed me a book he had read when he was around 14. It was a 1948 compilation of zany stories by Max Shulman, a novelist and TV writer best known (and now forgotten) for creating the Dobie Gillis TV character. I actually never read the book. But together my dad and I read the introduction, which was hilarious at the time. The intro was titled "How to be a Writer, or Oblivion Made Simple." My favorite part was a section on how to use flashbacks in narrative. In my opinion it belongs on every writer's shelf next to Strunk & White. I'd like to illegally share it:

"A story can be told in one of two ways: chronologically from the beginning, or in flashback. Flashback, in turn, lends itself to several variations:

Simple flashback -- A character remembers an incident in his past. This incident is narrated.

Double flashback -- Two characters each remember incidents in their pasts. These incidents are narrated.

Triple flashback -- Three characters each remember incidents in their pasts. These incidents are narrated.

(There are also quadruple, quintuple, sextuple, etc., flashbacks. The beginning writer is advised not to go beyond sextuple.)

Telescoping flashback -- A character remembers an incident in his past. This incident is narrated. A character who appears during the narration of this incident remembers an incident in his past. This incident is narrated.

Double telescoping flashback -- A character remembers an incident in his past. This incident is narrated. A character who appears during the narration of this incident remembers an incident in his past. This incident is narrated. A character who appears during the narration of this incident remembers an incident in his past. This incident is narrated.

Telescoping double flashback -- This is not to be confused with double telescoping flashback. In double telescoping flashback, you will recall, one character remembers an incident in his past in which one other character appears who remembers an incident in which one other character appears. But in telescoping double flashback, two characters who appear during the narration of these incidents remember incidents in their pasts. These incidents are narrated.

Double telescoping double flashback -- Two characters each remember incidents in their pasts. These incidents are narrated. Two characters who appear during the narration of these incidents remember incidents in their pasts. These incidents are narrated. Two characters who appear during the narration of these incidents remember incidents in their pasts. These incidents are narrated.

(As you can see, any number of attractive variations suggest themselves. For example, telescoping triple flashback, double telescoping triple flashback, triple telescoping double flashback, etc.)

False flashback -- A character remembers an incident in his past. This incident is narrated. Then it is discovered that the incident never happened to this character at all.

False telescoping flashback -- This is like telescoping flashback except both incidents never really happened.

False telescoping true flashback -- A character remembers an incident in his past. This incident is narrated. This incident really happened. A character who appears during the narration of this incident remembers an incident in his past. This incident is narrated. This incident never happened.

True telescoping false flashback -- A character remembers an incident in his past. This incident is narrated. This incident never happened. However, a character who appears during the narration of this incident remembers an incident in his past which really did happen. This incident is narrated.

(Again the combinations are endless. Indeed there are types of false flashbacks for which the nomenclature has not yet been determined. An example is a flashback in which three characters remember incidents in their pasts, the first false, the others true. In the narration of these incidents three other characters remember incidents in their pasts. But -- and mark this well -- the character in the false incident remembers a true incident, and the characters in the true incidents remember false incidents. To call this flashback either a false double telescoping true triple flashback or a true double telescoping false triple flashback would be misleading.)"

-- Max Shulman, 1948

Rock the Jokes: As of Today, Your Vote Counts

2009-01-19T12:09:00.000-08:00

Hello. Thank you. For the past seven years or so, Blue Donut has been home to a page called the 100 Funniest Jokes of All Time (applause). The list was compiled originally for a late-1999 "comedy" issue of GQ magazine. Everyone in the media was making contrived end-of-the-millennium lists at that time, and I thought it would be funny (and also funny) to list the "funniest jokes ever" and rank them in order, as if it were as precise a science as listing the top 100 novels of the century. I talked to some comedians and piled up old joke books and put together a list, which the magazine chopped down to 75 jokes for space and added some stupid ones. After that, I put the original, non-editor's-cut version online, and for lack of anything better to do it has become the world's #1 Google result on searches for "funniest joke " and #3 for "funniest jokes."

The list has always been static, and stuck in the past, just like the cultural references on a newspaper comics page. Now that all changes. Thanks to finding a guy who knows how to write online dabatase code, the joke list is undergoing the biggest change in its history. Now you can vote on each joke, giving each a rating from one-half-a-star to five stars. Jokes will be re-ranked continually based on their average world ranking. The hegemony of the French Toast Joke is over! I will be able to add jokes to the list (we'll still call it the "100"). And, coming next: I will accept jokes from site visitors and add many of them, too (after reviewing each submission -- you know how much I dislike the mean and the tasteless). I encourage you to take this opportunity to make your voice heard. The ballot awaits here.

The Best Opening Seconds in Recorded Music

2009-01-16T10:56:00.001-08:00

Is there anything better than an awesome opening to a song? It's like a thrilling first line in a book, or that first sweet bite of a juicy nectarine, if you like nectarines. Not all songs with classic opening moments stay awesome all the way through. And sometimes books with promising starts become dull and you fall asleep, or nectarines end up all grainy or gushy. But blasting out of the gate with an explosion counts for something.

What are the greatest opening seconds in recorded music? Here are some ideas. You'll surely disagree. I'm no music snob, more a hits guy. I'm picking radio songs. I like guitars. If some of the choices below seem obvious, they're obvious for a reason. You're not going to leave Abe Lincoln off the "Best Presidents" because it's not cool anymore to include him. He has earned his place in Cooperstown, with his awesome riffs. I invite all rock snobs and friendly freaks to share suggestions better than mine, in Comments. But it's about time we got this discussion started. I'll add to this intro-palooza as more ideas arise. (UPDATE: some selections from comments have been added.) You may need the Flash player installed to play the audio clips; may need to click twice on the arrow to play 'em, just to show you mean it.

The best opening 1 second in recorded music: I Feel Good, by James Brown

The best opening 2 seconds: A Hard Day’s Night, by The Beatles

The best opening 3 seconds: Blitzkrieg Bop, by The Ramones

The best opening 4 seconds: September, by Earth Wind & Fire

The best opening 5 seconds: Jumping Jack Flash, by The Rolling Stones

The best opening 10 seconds: T.V. Eye, by The Stooges

The best opening 11 seconds: The Magnificent Seven, by Elmer Bernstein/Henry Mancini

The best opening 12 seconds: Rebel Rebel, by David Bowie

The best opening 14 seconds: Theme from Shaft, by Isaac Hayes

The best opening 25 seconds: ABC, by The Jackson 5

Are these choices lame? Give me better ones!

People You May Know (January 15)

2009-01-15T05:17:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I'm still digging this People You May Know feature, and I'm going to keep doing it until it everyone else caves. Here's a chance to reach out and learn by clicking on interesting names. It's an all-new name-based approach to the news:

Marcus Schrenker
Adolf Hitler Campbell
Ed Podolak
Bradley Schlozman
Rachel Glandorf
Jamal Woolard
Nicole Zobkiw
Rocky Rawstern
Jurgen Liebig
Luke Ravenstahl
Gotz Spielmann
Ivana Hong
Tsitsi Singizi

The Ripoff of Widescreen TV Sports

2009-01-13T07:07:00.000-08:00

Today let's take a break to explore a serious issue: the giant fan ripoff of sports broadcasts on widescreen TVs. You're going to need a little bit of math sense and a bit of common sense to follow this, but the pictures help a lot. Watching sports is a big reason why guys purchase big widescreen high-definition TV sets. But the fact is: no TV sporting event on any major network is being shot to take advantage of the wider screen. Here's a sneak peek of what I mean:

See those black vertical lines I've drawn? They define the extra space you get with a widescreen TV set. As you can see above, in the standard baseball shot from the center field camera, the extra space on the sides (it's mathematically one quarter of that pricey wide screen you've paid for) is useless. They show a few bums in the crowd. This isn't just about baseball or ESPN. It's ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox, Comcast, Versus. They intentionally leave 1/4 of the screen pretty vacant. The practice has a name: "center-cut protection." It's meant to ensure sure that millions of older TV sets that aren't wide don't miss any action. Here's another example -- I've got a million:

Congratulations on buying your fancy new widescreen TV set. Now you get to see the ball boy.

Most new TVs sold these days are HDTVs in the widescreen aspect ratio called 16-by-9. It's a reasonable estimate that Americans will have spent $100 billion on widescreen TVs by the end of this year. Yeah, $100 billion. That's bailout kind of bucks. I base this estimate on data supplied by the Consumer Electronics Association that shows U.S. digital TV sales reaching about $85 billion wholesale from 2003 to 2008.

A lot of people think that widescreen TVs are bigger. Actually they are just a different shape. In fact, at any given diagonal measurement -- say 37 inches -- a 16-by-9 widescreen has less screen area than a traditional 4-by-3 TV. That's just basic geometry. Pythagoras was doing this stuff years ago. It's just a different shape. The question is: how do you use this new-shape frame to depict the world? Is it even an improvement?

Wider screens are great for movies, which are filmed wider. And the promise was that widescreen TV would deliver new ways of looking at sports: you could have a quarterback way over here on the left and a receiver way over there on the right. Cool! But no.

You just get the standard shot, framed the standard way, with essentially blank space on the sides. This isn't going to change soon, because millions of 4-by-3 TV sets aren't going away soon. Even if the "Digital Transition" of television signals isn't delayed past its planned February 17 date (a delay now seems likely), the federal government has spent $1.34 billion to help people buy converter boxes that will keep 4-by-3 TV sets in wide use for a long time.

Which means TV sports producers really aren't even thinking about new ways to frame shots to take advantage of wide screen. Think about it: the ideal tennis shot on widescreen TV might not be the usual overhead from one end of the court. It might be a panoramic overhead shot from the side. Basketball is tougher. Much of the game is played half-court, the players aligned in a square box. Would there ever be an advantage to a wider-angle shot of basketball?

Hey, at least in this one, widescreen viewers get to see the other 3/4s of the referee.

The Arrow

2009-01-12T09:43:00.000-08:00

People You May Know (January 9)

2009-01-09T07:36:00.000-08:00

I like this People You May Know feature, and I'm going to keep doing it until it everyone comes around. Imagine it -- a chance to see what's happening in the world by clicking on interesting names:

Usama al-Kini
James Blanning
Percy Harvin
Joe Quesada
Josephine Quintaville
James Walton
Charles Carneglia
Yvonne Prettner Solon
Jose Angel Rios
Moses Wetangula
Freida Pinto
Joan Cunnane

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People You May Know: The Mega-Directory